NEWS THAT SHOULD BE TRUE

Apple Continues Its Enslavement of the US’ Geniuses

The National Institute of American Geniuses reported today that the amount of geniuses found viable and actually doing productive work in the country has been reduced by 20% over the last year due to Apple’s constant campaign of capturing all geniuses to whore out at their notorious Genius Bars all over the nation. Geniuses are forced to diminish their capabilities as intelligent people to cater to the whimsical and petty tasks asked to do by Apple users who never learned to use a computer because they bought an Apple computer. A escaped genius related to us a story about a 42 year old hipster Apple user came I and asked 32 times how to turn on the computer and then proceeded to ask how the magical pixies inside the machine could be tamed. Geniuses are forced to work in a horrifying ultra-futuristic setting with minimalist tendencies leaving their psyche and taste in appropriate and actual interior design permanently damaged. Moreover, geniuses are forced to where name tags and happily greet customers who are just there to dick around with the stupid junk everywhere and leave buying nothing. On site physical disabilities that occur from their hard enslavement work includes not being able to use any phone without a touch screen and being unable to understand the concept of a left-click button on a computer mouse. Experts predict that by 2020, all of the geniuses in the world will be enslaved by the overlord Steve Jobs who refuses to release the geniuses and continues to make them believe that Apple computers are the best in the world. Moreover, Overlord Jobs has stated that he will not rest until he makes people the need all the shiny, pretty crap his company can spew. A counter-campaign has been launched called “Free Our Geniuses, Save Our Future” and is set to try and free the enslavement of our nations geniuses to this corporation of evil. A supporter said “We need our geniuses to do more than stand around and help people fix their unnecessary auxiliary gadgets that are woefully overpriced. We need them out in the world actually doing something that matters, like growing food or finding creative ways to assassinate world dictators. We must fight for their rights or the future is lost”.

Lauinger Library Burns Down Due to Lack of Outlets

Lauinger Library burned down today at 4:43 am due to the fact that the one outlet in the building was used by a student charging his computer, disallowing the fire detector system to be functional. The one student left alone on Lau 2 was reported to have used the one outlet in order to keep his computer working so he could continue watching the last episode of “Firefly” instead of writing his 10 page term paper due the next day. The source of the fire seems to have come from one of the small study rooms on the second floor and university officials say that the lighting of a cigarette after a couple were having intercourse in the room may have been the most probably cause. Student across campus have been mourning the loss of their beloved library, being quoted lamenting “I hating that stupid library. I’d wish it’d burned earlier” and “Now where will I go to be unproductive, drink horribly burnt coffee, and smell the scent of people who had slept over the night before without showering for days”. The Georgetown area fire department sergeant commented “yeah, we saw the fire. But we hated the look of the building so much, we decided to let it burn. Overall, it will improve the ambience of the Georgetown community and hopefully increase our housing valuations to more than $50 million.” However, not all is lost. Students cheer as now the newly built Hariri building, usually exclusive for MSB students will be forcefully opened up to the public for general use. The generally snobby attitude of the MSB has changed now that they no longer have an exclusive country club where they enjoy free printing, free spa services, and free wine and cheese Tuesdays. In general, university officials say, this event has been a relatively positive change for the Georgetown community.

New Psychological Study by State Department Reveals Gaddhafi is actually insane

A new report released by the State Department’s Political Psychology Council reveals for the first time that Gaddhafi is actually insane. The report shows that after a careful, scrutinizing analysis of Gaddafi’s mental state, it has been realized that he is completely irrational and has absolutely no freaking clue how to run a country. The report continues to state that Gaddafi’s mental condition makes him more likely to “say crazy things, oppress his people, kill off anything that opposes him, and overall be warrant to act like a stupid douchebag.” Such information was not known by the current administration in its negotiations with the Libyan government and the US now realized that might have “screwed everything up and would rather be sucking on the head of a monkey”. Officials state that if they had been privy to this extremely surprising fact about Gaddafi, they might have taken different policies, such as not dropping bombs or trying to talk with a mentally handicapped individual. Obama was quoted saying “I never saw this coming. I always took Gaddafi to be an extremely reasonable man”. At this time, a new plan is being drafted for how to deal with the worsening situation in Libya. Such strategies like distracting him with a large laser beam or stop involvement to allow Gaddafi to run himself into the ground have been at the forefront of discussion. Libyan rebels were also surprised by the news that their ex-leader had been insane all this time. A rebel leader stated “if we had known that he was insane and not just a terrible person, mad for power with evil intentions, we would never have started a rebellion. I feel sorry for the man now and his poor mental state. However, what’s done is done. But I guess now we can do less since he will probable drown himself in his own toilet eventually.”

GUSA Senate Passes Landmark Resolution titled “A Resolution to Actually Do Things”

In a heated debate that has spanned the length of 2 months, the GUSA senate finally was able to pass a landmark resolution titled “A Resolution to Actually Do Things” this past Sunday which would compel the senate to actually start working on actually making a difference on campus. This resolution would finally help motivate senators to try and do things that are not just full of hot air. Senator Hupez of the townhouse precinct related that “I never wanted to do this in the first place. A couple friends thought it’d be funny for me to run and how great it would be if I actually did. So I said, what the hell and ran. I was so disappointed when I won”. Senator Mogil, an off campus housing representative sees this as moving in the right direction. He states that this will allow GUSA to move away from the types of useless progress and debates they usually. Instead of arguing over who is more pompous and looks more charismatic on the GUSA website, senators can now try to actually do real work and pass legislation that will be denied by the administration anyways. GUSA plans on passing another piece of legislation allowing it to not talk like assholes during debate of resolutions. Of course, since the last session of the senate is the Sunday after Easter break, it seems like much progress might be reverted next semester with the inauguration of a new batch of douchebags. But the senate is hopeful that its uselessness will at least turn into an annoyance of the Georgetown community. “If we can even be felt by a fly on campus, I will be happy” says Speaker Adam Mortilarro. “At this point I have no expectations. I’ve been trying to get these children to do things, but they seem content with dicking around trying to find out whose hand is better by using proper parliamentary procedure”. A University official says that it plans on disbanding GUSA at the end of the semester due to it’ “total waste of space “

WARNING: Destruction of the American Dream Approaching

Think back to the good old days when the American Dream was well alive. It seemed back then that everything was free. Free women, free love, and free syphilis (now they have those damned "drugs" to take that away). The use of soft drugs was rampant and socially radical and psychadelic dude (but then they took away those "drugs" giving everyone syphilis again). But the most important gratis part of the American Dream were free homes. It seems that nowadays, houses now cost money. Back then, all we had to do with sign a couple of papers with no money in the bank and a house would magically be ours under a mortgage. Now, banks are asking us to "pay" for houses. Who has money saved when we are buying life necessary items like iPads, Snuggies, and bladeless fans? Mortgage giants Frannie Mae and Freddie Mac brewed a homeownership fetish by willing to offer their luxurious assets (houses) for no money upfront and only giving up your life and job in 30 years. I mean, just look at Freddie Macs' slogan.

And then we take it away with your dignity and soul as collateral.

Moreover, we used to make money from hard work in coal mines and suffering from emphysema and black lung. Now, we make money from nothing. Take mortgages for example, the mortgages no one pays. Geniuses on the Street of Wall took these worthless mortgages, bundled them together calling them mortgaged backed securities. They then bundled mortgaged backed securities together to call them Collateralized Debt Obligations. These twice wrapped turd burritos were then sold to the hungry, hungry hippo fat cats of the world for trillions upon trillions of dollars (a number only matched by the US national debt). And those geniuses made trillion upon trillions of dollars. In fact those geniuses still are living great lives with the public welcoming them into their gracious bosoms. Examples include the executives at AIG, Citigroup, and the king of the hill, everyone at Lehman Brothers. All hail the king.

The Power of Numbers

It seems that in a computer age, the need for numbers has been reduced to just 0s and 1s. I mean most teens these days only read in binary, texting in such a crude way. Like the following example:
0110100001101111011101110010000001110010001000000111010100100000011011010111100100100000011000100110011001100110001000000100101001101001011011000110110000100000010100100100111101000110010011000100110101000001010011110010111000100000011010010110110100100000011101000111010001101100011110010010000001100100011011110110100101101110001000000110111001110100011010010110111001100111001000000111001001101001011101000110010100100000011011100110111101110111001011100010000001110100011101000111100101101100
(Use this to translate: http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp)
But to many people, it comes as a surprise that numbers extend beyond the realm of two large numbers and represent/symbolize a multitude of events, ideas, and concepts. For instance, take the number 69. It represents a monumental feat of mankind. An achievement of such magnitude all quake due to its power. Of course everyone when they hear the number 69 thinks of the year when Neil Armstrong set foot upon the moon and declared that mankind had taken a leap (Silly man. If only he'd known nukes would would blow back to the stone age).

And this week, the magazine that controls weekly news, Newsweek, compiled a list ranking the Top 100 Countries of the World. Of course the United States came in double first place to take rank #11. Oh yeah baby! Only the US could take two first places. USA! USA! USA! Why the ranking you might ask. It's due to our wonderful education and healthcare systems, both ranked at an outstanding 26th. Healthcare has been socialized (Obamafied, Hitlerized, Glamorized, pimped out... pick whatever) so the socialists at Newsweek should change that soon (Newsweek put most of the European nations up front= socialist hub). On education, even Kazakhstan is in front of us. Meaning that if we all watch more Borat and learn, we would all gain a significant amount of IQ. Very nice! Or we could find a better way to make the education accountable for educating children by instituting and experimenting with other measurement techniques outside the grasp of the Collegeboard monopoly/trust. Or we could give more incentives to teachers to teach well through a merit pay system or some other pay system that rewards good teachers and punishes bad ones. But that all requires time, money, and especially thinking and education. Education requires a better education system. And a better education system requires watching more Borat.

Return from the Chinaland created by Mickey Maose Dong

Hiya Kids! Welcome the Mickey Maose Dong's Club House where all the fun under the red sun. So sit up straight, grab your little red book, and get ready for today's special propaganda indoctrination. (Skip to 1:00 for the fun or watch the whole thing)

I recently returned back from China and had a chance to reflect on all that happened for I was unable to do so there lest the Communist government reclaim my brain. I confirmed some beliefs I held while disproving off others. I confirmed that Chinese are physically and mentally unable to stand in a cue without the psychopathic need to trample someone. I confirmed that the Chinese will eat anything that moves. But most importantly, I confirmed that the Chinese are the best at writing English. Note the following examples I acquired:

Do you see it? Huh? Do you? Because I see it!
And the one belief I completely disproved was that Chinese are atheists. What religion you might ask? Consumerist Buddhism. As in the Chinese government blesses the construction of modern Buddhist temples for Chinese citizens to "check out". Comrades are sequestered into a room with a monk/salesman/conman who tries to convince you that if you don't buy a thousand dollar rock and put it in your home, you will be a poor, unemployed, impotent in 10 years. And in order to worship Buddha, you need a 100 dollar incense in opium flavor (and you thought the British stopped doing that... hahaha).
From a Christian point of view, there is only one Chingrish trash can that can summarize China's new faith:

The State of the Conclave

Overlord Zhu, Overlord Bochicchio, Brethren of the Conclave, Distinguished Intellectuals, and Ignorant Public.
For a while we have not enlightened you all to the State of the Conclave. We have been recovering from the recent attack of Google's T-0903112 Children Capturers and T-X2s, Google's recent shut down of the Conclave propaganda machine (AdSense), and the logical fallacy pointed out by Kelsey Steele. Yet, we still prosper and move forward with our duty and responsibility to carry the torch of enlightenment to those who are still shrouded in darkness.

As for the United States, the State of the Union is... poor.
With the loss of the Democratic Senate supermajority, there is now only a measly, stupid majority in the Senate which means nothing can get done. Because everyone knows that when you take a majority rules vote, you get to double the number of hands put up by the losing side. Plus, 59 is less than 50 when you go to D.C.
Moreover, there has been an explosion of "letter-words" in our union. N-word, R-word, and O-word (for Obama... oops, now we are all going to burn in hell or slip into the great abyss of our own imaginations). The Conclave wonders why these f-word-ing b-words are arguing about r-word wordplay when they cannot even f-word-ing get a mother f-word-ing thing done. Maybe if the Senate passed a law that legalized the possession of "letter-words", then we can call people retards and get on with our day.
And the economy. There are no jobs. The popular job of Harvard graduates is McDonald urinal cleaner PhD. Moreover, America as a whole had sunk into a psychological depression that can now only be measured in astronomical units. Let us just state that the average American is so downtrodden that most could be on a cocktail of happy potions and still manage to infect a rainbow and turn it into a brownish, crappy looking turd. Congrats everyone!
Yet there is hope to be found over the ugly rainbow. Our sanity is shaken but still present to do something crazy. Our hearts remain with us until we give it away to be chewed up and spit out on Valentines Day. And above all, the Conclave is coming back and strong to help keep everyone out of their daily life of ignorance and glorious atrophy. So the Conclave demands: GO F-WORD-ING DO SOMETHING!!!

Google: Real World Skynet?

Faithful members of the Conclave may have noticed the sudden disappearance of the advertisements on the blog site… This is due to the brazen tyranny imposed upon the good people of the world by an Evil but powerful organization: Google.
My brethren, it is impossible to deny the fact that we have all, the whole world, has become reliant on Google’s Search Engine. A search engine that is fast, efficient, smooth, and impressive. Beneath its deceptive exterior there lies a crouching tiger next to a hidden dragon, waiting to strike at the vulnerable people of the world. Humanity as we know it is in grave danger.
The first question that must be answered is: How is Google able to deliever “information” with such a swift hand?
The answer is: that they have stolen vast herds of young children and are now using them for slave labor. According to Dr. Vince F. Kiltstein; “Google has developed a giant hamster-wheel that millions of children are forced to run in to power their Search Engine and provide it with its speed… Google is out to harm and enslave our children… we cannot sit around and wait any longer….”
Also, it must be known that the information being produced by Google’s slaves is not even information, just useless rubbish to keep a populous pacified. Well the Conclave will never be pacified! Never will Truth, Justice, and the Way of the Conclave vanish from this Earth.
The naïve people of this world claim that the people who run Google could never possibly accomplish such a task, well they’re wrong. Dead wrong.

Google is currently snatching children from their beds while they sleep with technologically advanced T-0903112 Children Capturers. It would also be appropriate to address the fact that people are no longer in control of Google. It is the Machines that have true control. The leaders of Google are in reality either dead or in the giant hamster-wheel. The wheel’s exact location is unknown, but satellite imagery indicates it is located near the core of the Earth, thousands of feet under the Earth’s crust.
More disturbingly, Google has created a vast army of T-X2’s much more powerful and heavily armed than the T-0903112 Children Capturers. Humanity is at the brink of war and we don’t even know it yet. They are lead by a perverse Hivemind that is believed to be located somewhere beneath the hamster-ball, an autonomous being destined to wipe out mankind.

Google has become the World's real Skynet.
Luckily the Conclave knows. Luckily the Conclave of Knowledge will stand strong in these dark times. Ignorance must fall. It will fall. And as pure reason and common sense dictate, so will Google.
Down with Google! Up with Freedom!

Happy Nondenominational Winter Solstice and Gregorian New Year!

Whether you worship a single God this season or a motley of singing, dancing demi-gods of the 8th dimension of the Omniverse, the last months of the each year are filled with cheer and joy aimed at brainwashing us into having "good will to men" and perpetuating the tenants of Capitalism (such as spending money we don't have or buying someones affection). People get together to play games with spinning tops, candy canes, or flaming torches and create strong bonds that will be forgotten by the end of the night due to drunken stupor. It is a time when people can feel guilty enough to send cards to people they have purposely neglected. And a time when people feel arrogant enough to send picture holiday cards of themselves instead of their God(s) in an attempt to make people envy their superior lives.

But this year is different. We as the Conclave are launching off into the new Decade. Away from a decade of ignorance, war, poverty, and angry wealthy urban middle class yelling at the government of taking over their lives and at the same time demanding that it fix their lazy, incompetent lives. As we sit around with our blood relatives and creepily close friends and partake in the last ceremony of perpetual gluttony of the decade, let us remind ourselves of what we have to be thankful for. And if you have nothing to be thankful for, be content that you have your dignity. And if you don't even have that, you can be thankful for your soul. And if you have lost that too (perhaps by going to China; see here) then be thankful that nature and the Omniverse have given you some kind of carbon molecular structure to allow you to exist at least as a figment of your own imagination.

So as we sit around watching a clock for 3 hours in order to celebrate one second, as each second goes by let our resolve get stronger. Brethren, let us be unstoppable in the new Decade to free the poor souls who have lost their way in the dark forest of ignorance. Let us be their evening star leading the way to a path of glowing candles that will guide them to Enlightenment. This is the gift the Conclave brings. What can you bring?