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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Resolution to Ban Santa Claus


Whereas: Santa Claus has devalued the meaning of the holidays from spiritual gratification to a material gratification,

Whereas: Santa Claus “sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” and “knows if you’ve been bad or good”, he stalks and creeps on minors by offering what they want for Christmas,

Whereas: Santa Claus “is making a list and checking twice”, Santa Clause arbitrarily judges people as unjustly and unfairly as a tyrant,

Whereas: Santa Claus discriminates by religion and ideology only giving presents to Christians and those who believe in him,

Whereas: Santa Claus therefore discriminates against all adults by not giving adults presents, forcing adults to buy presents for themselves,

Whereas: Santa Claus discriminates between children giving some children better, more expensive items than others,

Whereas: Due to the heavy air-traffic during the holidays, Santa’s sleigh and flying reindeer pose a danger and threat to commercial airplanes, endangering lives,

Whereas: There have been reports and complaints about roof and chimney damages occurring over the holidays,

Whereas: Santa Claus has been in clear violation of unlawful entry, trespassing on personal property without the formal consent of the owners,

Whereas: Santa Claus steals and eats food items left laying around the house or hung on a tree,

Whereas: Santa Claus employs the use of slave labor, enslaving the elves inflicted with a genetic disability for dwarfism

Whereas: For all we know, the living and working conditions of these elves could be worse than those seen in sweatshops around the world, seeing that their work station is located in the Arctic, a place with some the harshest weather and living conditions in the world.

Whereas: Santa Claus has been on the run for thousands of years and is in hiding all year round except for the evening of the 24th day of December,

Whereas: Santa Claus has continually thwarted attempts by all people to see and/or capture him,

Be It Resolved: That Santa Claus be banned from all households in the world,

Be It Further Resolved: That Claus’s sweatshop and estate in the Arctic be found and taken over, the Elvin slaves be freed, and the estate be converted to something more useful, e.g. an oil digging site,

Be It Further Resolved: That Santa Claus be taken into custody and tried in the International Court of Justice for the crimes listed above and for crimes against humanity.


  1. I vote yay. It's about time that someone put a stop to this madman.

  2. I object! Santa Claus is not a U.S. citizen and the North Pole will not extradite him!


  3. This is ludicrous. Obviously Santa is used as a moral benchmark for children. Compare him to Mao Zedong. Look at all of the improvements he has done for China. In essence Mao is the yellow Santa. He exiled all the none believers from this universe. Mao gave China the biggest present of all.Communism.

  4. You know Santa is like a red neck
    He works one day a year, has a beer belly, breaks in your house and leaves more than he takes and parks on the roof

  5. we dont need extradition. We'll just blow the hell out the north pole

  6. @Anis: But doing so would melt the ice and flood the world! Santa is safe!


  7. But does Santa exist? That is the real question here, gentlemen.

  8. to Sir Paul:

    Oh dear....Did you just ask that?

    I shall now have to smack you silly, boi!

    exerpt from my English essay from tenth grade:

    "Henry Gee’s theory that Santa is a Macroscopic Quantum Object, (currently we have only found Microscopic Quantum Objects that can be in many places at once.) to Knut JØrgen RØed Oedegaard’s theory of an ion shield. Others, like Anthony J. Fejfar, argue about Astral Bodies, or Nils Lid Hjort’s theory of reindeer genetics. There are even stranger theories, such as a noted astrophysicist’s proposal that Santa causes global warming, or Gaute Einevoll’s theory that Santa is secretly Einstein...the notorious “Santa Physics Proposal” which is widespread across the web, although [someone] recently [came] up with a rebuttal to this.

  9. and if anyone is still doubting the Existence of the Chief Elf, go to http://www.daclarke.org/Humour/santa.html

    your questions shall be answered...