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All material posted here is either satirical or sarcastic. But serious material may be posted as well. Enlighten yourself to the facts if in doubt, Brethren.

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"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
-Voltaire

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Monday, August 23, 2010

WARNING: Destruction of the American Dream Approaching

Think back to the good old days when the American Dream was well alive. It seemed back then that everything was free. Free women, free love, and free syphilis (now they have those damned "drugs" to take that away). The use of soft drugs was rampant and socially radical and psychadelic dude (but then they took away those "drugs" giving everyone syphilis again). But the most important gratis part of the American Dream were free homes. It seems that nowadays, houses now cost money. Back then, all we had to do with sign a couple of papers with no money in the bank and a house would magically be ours under a mortgage. Now, banks are asking us to "pay" for houses. Who has money saved when we are buying life necessary items like iPads, Snuggies, and bladeless fans? Mortgage giants Frannie Mae and Freddie Mac brewed a homeownership fetish by willing to offer their luxurious assets (houses) for no money upfront and only giving up your life and job in 30 years. I mean, just look at Freddie Macs' slogan.

And then we take it away with your dignity and soul as collateral.

Moreover, we used to make money from hard work in coal mines and suffering from emphysema and black lung. Now, we make money from nothing. Take mortgages for example, the mortgages no one pays. Geniuses on the Street of Wall took these worthless mortgages, bundled them together calling them mortgaged backed securities. They then bundled mortgaged backed securities together to call them Collateralized Debt Obligations. These twice wrapped turd burritos were then sold to the hungry, hungry hippo fat cats of the world for trillions upon trillions of dollars (a number only matched by the US national debt). And those geniuses made trillion upon trillions of dollars. In fact those geniuses still are living great lives with the public welcoming them into their gracious bosoms. Examples include the executives at AIG, Citigroup, and the king of the hill, everyone at Lehman Brothers. All hail the king.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Power of Numbers

It seems that in a computer age, the need for numbers has been reduced to just 0s and 1s. I mean most teens these days only read in binary, texting in such a crude way. Like the following example:
0110100001101111011101110010000001110010001000000111010100100000011011010111100100100000011000100110011001100110001000000100101001101001011011000110110000100000010100100100111101000110010011000100110101000001010011110010111000100000011010010110110100100000011101000111010001101100011110010010000001100100011011110110100101101110001000000110111001110100011010010110111001100111001000000111001001101001011101000110010100100000011011100110111101110111001011100010000001110100011101000111100101101100
(Use this to translate: http://www.roubaixinteractive.com/PlayGround/Binary_Conversion/Binary_To_Text.asp)
But to many people, it comes as a surprise that numbers extend beyond the realm of two large numbers and represent/symbolize a multitude of events, ideas, and concepts. For instance, take the number 69. It represents a monumental feat of mankind. An achievement of such magnitude all quake due to its power. Of course everyone when they hear the number 69 thinks of the year when Neil Armstrong set foot upon the moon and declared that mankind had taken a leap (Silly man. If only he'd known nukes would would blow back to the stone age).

And this week, the magazine that controls weekly news, Newsweek, compiled a list ranking the Top 100 Countries of the World. Of course the United States came in double first place to take rank #11. Oh yeah baby! Only the US could take two first places. USA! USA! USA! Why the ranking you might ask. It's due to our wonderful education and healthcare systems, both ranked at an outstanding 26th. Healthcare has been socialized (Obamafied, Hitlerized, Glamorized, pimped out... pick whatever) so the socialists at Newsweek should change that soon (Newsweek put most of the European nations up front= socialist hub). On education, even Kazakhstan is in front of us. Meaning that if we all watch more Borat and learn, we would all gain a significant amount of IQ. Very nice! Or we could find a better way to make the education accountable for educating children by instituting and experimenting with other measurement techniques outside the grasp of the Collegeboard monopoly/trust. Or we could give more incentives to teachers to teach well through a merit pay system or some other pay system that rewards good teachers and punishes bad ones. But that all requires time, money, and especially thinking and education. Education requires a better education system. And a better education system requires watching more Borat.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Return from the Chinaland created by Mickey Maose Dong

Hiya Kids! Welcome the Mickey Maose Dong's Club House where all the fun under the red sun. So sit up straight, grab your little red book, and get ready for today's special propaganda indoctrination. (Skip to 1:00 for the fun or watch the whole thing)



I recently returned back from China and had a chance to reflect on all that happened for I was unable to do so there lest the Communist government reclaim my brain. I confirmed some beliefs I held while disproving off others. I confirmed that Chinese are physically and mentally unable to stand in a cue without the psychopathic need to trample someone. I confirmed that the Chinese will eat anything that moves. But most importantly, I confirmed that the Chinese are the best at writing English. Note the following examples I acquired:

Do you see it? Huh? Do you? Because I see it!
And the one belief I completely disproved was that Chinese are atheists. What religion you might ask? Consumerist Buddhism. As in the Chinese government blesses the construction of modern Buddhist temples for Chinese citizens to "check out". Comrades are sequestered into a room with a monk/salesman/conman who tries to convince you that if you don't buy a thousand dollar rock and put it in your home, you will be a poor, unemployed, impotent in 10 years. And in order to worship Buddha, you need a 100 dollar incense in opium flavor (and you thought the British stopped doing that... hahaha).
From a Christian point of view, there is only one Chingrish trash can that can summarize China's new faith:



Monday, August 16, 2010

Breaking News: Muslims are taking over the world!

Let the Enlightenment continue after a long extended break where the Overseers have gone Siddharting for more goodies from the fertile seeds of Ghandi, Curie, Washington, Lenin, Louis XIV, and Napoleon.

This just in. Muslims are attacking us. Yes, Muslims are attacking us. Can you believe it?!?!?! And guess what they're next WMD is? A building (insert dramatic music)!!!!! They destroy our buildings on 9/11 and they further insult us by building them. Yes, the mosque 2 blocks away will rape the virgin womb of Ground Zero and spawn the turban-wearing cancer babies that devour the memories of all the heroes lost that fateful day. Did I mention it is 2 BLOCKS AWAY. That's an hour walk for the average American. And the first amendment only gives freedom of religion. The freedom to rape the souls of those who perished on that fateful day. And we take so good care of those heroes by denying them socialist healthcare that would make them bleed red like those Communists (Keep the Governments perverted tentacles out of our Medicare and Medicaid!). Americans bleed red, white, and blue dammit.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The State of the Conclave

Overlord Zhu, Overlord Bochicchio, Brethren of the Conclave, Distinguished Intellectuals, and Ignorant Public.
For a while we have not enlightened you all to the State of the Conclave. We have been recovering from the recent attack of Google's T-0903112 Children Capturers and T-X2s, Google's recent shut down of the Conclave propaganda machine (AdSense), and the logical fallacy pointed out by Kelsey Steele. Yet, we still prosper and move forward with our duty and responsibility to carry the torch of enlightenment to those who are still shrouded in darkness.

As for the United States, the State of the Union is... poor.
With the loss of the Democratic Senate supermajority, there is now only a measly, stupid majority in the Senate which means nothing can get done. Because everyone knows that when you take a majority rules vote, you get to double the number of hands put up by the losing side. Plus, 59 is less than 50 when you go to D.C.
Moreover, there has been an explosion of "letter-words" in our union. N-word, R-word, and O-word (for Obama... oops, now we are all going to burn in hell or slip into the great abyss of our own imaginations). The Conclave wonders why these f-word-ing b-words are arguing about r-word wordplay when they cannot even f-word-ing get a mother f-word-ing thing done. Maybe if the Senate passed a law that legalized the possession of "letter-words", then we can call people retards and get on with our day.
And the economy. There are no jobs. The popular job of Harvard graduates is McDonald urinal cleaner PhD. Moreover, America as a whole had sunk into a psychological depression that can now only be measured in astronomical units. Let us just state that the average American is so downtrodden that most could be on a cocktail of happy potions and still manage to infect a rainbow and turn it into a brownish, crappy looking turd. Congrats everyone!
Yet there is hope to be found over the ugly rainbow. Our sanity is shaken but still present to do something crazy. Our hearts remain with us until we give it away to be chewed up and spit out on Valentines Day. And above all, the Conclave is coming back and strong to help keep everyone out of their daily life of ignorance and glorious atrophy. So the Conclave demands: GO F-WORD-ING DO SOMETHING!!!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Google: Real World Skynet?



Faithful members of the Conclave may have noticed the sudden disappearance of the advertisements on the blog site… This is due to the brazen tyranny imposed upon the good people of the world by an Evil but powerful organization: Google.
My brethren, it is impossible to deny the fact that we have all, the whole world, has become reliant on Google’s Search Engine. A search engine that is fast, efficient, smooth, and impressive. Beneath its deceptive exterior there lies a crouching tiger next to a hidden dragon, waiting to strike at the vulnerable people of the world. Humanity as we know it is in grave danger.
The first question that must be answered is: How is Google able to deliever “information” with such a swift hand?
The answer is: that they have stolen vast herds of young children and are now using them for slave labor. According to Dr. Vince F. Kiltstein; “Google has developed a giant hamster-wheel that millions of children are forced to run in to power their Search Engine and provide it with its speed… Google is out to harm and enslave our children… we cannot sit around and wait any longer….”
Also, it must be known that the information being produced by Google’s slaves is not even information, just useless rubbish to keep a populous pacified. Well the Conclave will never be pacified! Never will Truth, Justice, and the Way of the Conclave vanish from this Earth.
The na├»ve people of this world claim that the people who run Google could never possibly accomplish such a task, well they’re wrong. Dead wrong.
Google is currently snatching children from their beds while they sleep with technologically advanced T-0903112 Children Capturers. It would also be appropriate to address the fact that people are no longer in control of Google. It is the Machines that have true control. The leaders of Google are in reality either dead or in the giant hamster-wheel. The wheel’s exact location is unknown, but satellite imagery indicates it is located near the core of the Earth, thousands of feet under the Earth’s crust.
More disturbingly, Google has created a vast army of T-X2’s much more powerful and heavily armed than the T-0903112 Children Capturers. Humanity is at the brink of war and we don’t even know it yet. They are lead by a perverse Hivemind that is believed to be located somewhere beneath the hamster-ball, an autonomous being destined to wipe out mankind.

Google has become the World's real Skynet.
Luckily the Conclave knows. Luckily the Conclave of Knowledge will stand strong in these dark times. Ignorance must fall. It will fall. And as pure reason and common sense dictate, so will Google.
Down with Google! Up with Freedom!