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Monday, April 18, 2011


Apple Continues Its Enslavement of the US’ Geniuses

The National Institute of American Geniuses reported today that the amount of geniuses found viable and actually doing productive work in the country has been reduced by 20% over the last year due to Apple’s constant campaign of capturing all geniuses to whore out at their notorious Genius Bars all over the nation. Geniuses are forced to diminish their capabilities as intelligent people to cater to the whimsical and petty tasks asked to do by Apple users who never learned to use a computer because they bought an Apple computer. A escaped genius related to us a story about a 42 year old hipster Apple user came I and asked 32 times how to turn on the computer and then proceeded to ask how the magical pixies inside the machine could be tamed. Geniuses are forced to work in a horrifying ultra-futuristic setting with minimalist tendencies leaving their psyche and taste in appropriate and actual interior design permanently damaged. Moreover, geniuses are forced to where name tags and happily greet customers who are just there to dick around with the stupid junk everywhere and leave buying nothing. On site physical disabilities that occur from their hard enslavement work includes not being able to use any phone without a touch screen and being unable to understand the concept of a left-click button on a computer mouse. Experts predict that by 2020, all of the geniuses in the world will be enslaved by the overlord Steve Jobs who refuses to release the geniuses and continues to make them believe that Apple computers are the best in the world. Moreover, Overlord Jobs has stated that he will not rest until he makes people the need all the shiny, pretty crap his company can spew. A counter-campaign has been launched called “Free Our Geniuses, Save Our Future” and is set to try and free the enslavement of our nations geniuses to this corporation of evil. A supporter said “We need our geniuses to do more than stand around and help people fix their unnecessary auxiliary gadgets that are woefully overpriced. We need them out in the world actually doing something that matters, like growing food or finding creative ways to assassinate world dictators. We must fight for their rights or the future is lost”.

Lauinger Library Burns Down Due to Lack of Outlets

Lauinger Library burned down today at 4:43 am due to the fact that the one outlet in the building was used by a student charging his computer, disallowing the fire detector system to be functional. The one student left alone on Lau 2 was reported to have used the one outlet in order to keep his computer working so he could continue watching the last episode of “Firefly” instead of writing his 10 page term paper due the next day. The source of the fire seems to have come from one of the small study rooms on the second floor and university officials say that the lighting of a cigarette after a couple were having intercourse in the room may have been the most probably cause. Student across campus have been mourning the loss of their beloved library, being quoted lamenting “I hating that stupid library. I’d wish it’d burned earlier” and “Now where will I go to be unproductive, drink horribly burnt coffee, and smell the scent of people who had slept over the night before without showering for days”. The Georgetown area fire department sergeant commented “yeah, we saw the fire. But we hated the look of the building so much, we decided to let it burn. Overall, it will improve the ambience of the Georgetown community and hopefully increase our housing valuations to more than $50 million.” However, not all is lost. Students cheer as now the newly built Hariri building, usually exclusive for MSB students will be forcefully opened up to the public for general use. The generally snobby attitude of the MSB has changed now that they no longer have an exclusive country club where they enjoy free printing, free spa services, and free wine and cheese Tuesdays. In general, university officials say, this event has been a relatively positive change for the Georgetown community.

New Psychological Study by State Department Reveals Gaddhafi is actually insane

A new report released by the State Department’s Political Psychology Council reveals for the first time that Gaddhafi is actually insane. The report shows that after a careful, scrutinizing analysis of Gaddafi’s mental state, it has been realized that he is completely irrational and has absolutely no freaking clue how to run a country. The report continues to state that Gaddafi’s mental condition makes him more likely to “say crazy things, oppress his people, kill off anything that opposes him, and overall be warrant to act like a stupid douchebag.” Such information was not known by the current administration in its negotiations with the Libyan government and the US now realized that might have “screwed everything up and would rather be sucking on the head of a monkey”. Officials state that if they had been privy to this extremely surprising fact about Gaddafi, they might have taken different policies, such as not dropping bombs or trying to talk with a mentally handicapped individual. Obama was quoted saying “I never saw this coming. I always took Gaddafi to be an extremely reasonable man”. At this time, a new plan is being drafted for how to deal with the worsening situation in Libya. Such strategies like distracting him with a large laser beam or stop involvement to allow Gaddafi to run himself into the ground have been at the forefront of discussion. Libyan rebels were also surprised by the news that their ex-leader had been insane all this time. A rebel leader stated “if we had known that he was insane and not just a terrible person, mad for power with evil intentions, we would never have started a rebellion. I feel sorry for the man now and his poor mental state. However, what’s done is done. But I guess now we can do less since he will probable drown himself in his own toilet eventually.”

GUSA Senate Passes Landmark Resolution titled “A Resolution to Actually Do Things”

In a heated debate that has spanned the length of 2 months, the GUSA senate finally was able to pass a landmark resolution titled “A Resolution to Actually Do Things” this past Sunday which would compel the senate to actually start working on actually making a difference on campus. This resolution would finally help motivate senators to try and do things that are not just full of hot air. Senator Hupez of the townhouse precinct related that “I never wanted to do this in the first place. A couple friends thought it’d be funny for me to run and how great it would be if I actually did. So I said, what the hell and ran. I was so disappointed when I won”. Senator Mogil, an off campus housing representative sees this as moving in the right direction. He states that this will allow GUSA to move away from the types of useless progress and debates they usually. Instead of arguing over who is more pompous and looks more charismatic on the GUSA website, senators can now try to actually do real work and pass legislation that will be denied by the administration anyways. GUSA plans on passing another piece of legislation allowing it to not talk like assholes during debate of resolutions. Of course, since the last session of the senate is the Sunday after Easter break, it seems like much progress might be reverted next semester with the inauguration of a new batch of douchebags. But the senate is hopeful that its uselessness will at least turn into an annoyance of the Georgetown community. “If we can even be felt by a fly on campus, I will be happy” says Speaker Adam Mortilarro. “At this point I have no expectations. I’ve been trying to get these children to do things, but they seem content with dicking around trying to find out whose hand is better by using proper parliamentary procedure”. A University official says that it plans on disbanding GUSA at the end of the semester due to it’ “total waste of space “