All material posted here is either satirical or sarcastic. But serious material may be posted as well. Enlighten yourself to the facts if in doubt, Brethren.


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Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Nondenominational Winter Solstice and Gregorian New Year!

Whether you worship a single God this season or a motley of singing, dancing demi-gods of the 8th dimension of the Omniverse, the last months of the each year are filled with cheer and joy aimed at brainwashing us into having "good will to men" and perpetuating the tenants of Capitalism (such as spending money we don't have or buying someones affection). People get together to play games with spinning tops, candy canes, or flaming torches and create strong bonds that will be forgotten by the end of the night due to drunken stupor. It is a time when people can feel guilty enough to send cards to people they have purposely neglected. And a time when people feel arrogant enough to send picture holiday cards of themselves instead of their God(s) in an attempt to make people envy their superior lives.

But this year is different. We as the Conclave are launching off into the new Decade. Away from a decade of ignorance, war, poverty, and angry wealthy urban middle class yelling at the government of taking over their lives and at the same time demanding that it fix their lazy, incompetent lives. As we sit around with our blood relatives and creepily close friends and partake in the last ceremony of perpetual gluttony of the decade, let us remind ourselves of what we have to be thankful for. And if you have nothing to be thankful for, be content that you have your dignity. And if you don't even have that, you can be thankful for your soul. And if you have lost that too (perhaps by going to China; see here) then be thankful that nature and the Omniverse have given you some kind of carbon molecular structure to allow you to exist at least as a figment of your own imagination.

So as we sit around watching a clock for 3 hours in order to celebrate one second, as each second goes by let our resolve get stronger. Brethren, let us be unstoppable in the new Decade to free the poor souls who have lost their way in the dark forest of ignorance. Let us be their evening star leading the way to a path of glowing candles that will guide them to Enlightenment. This is the gift the Conclave brings. What can you bring?


  1. Actually, I worship the demigod-esque xenomorphs that inhabit the famed 0th dimension... but I appreciate your citation of a similar religion.

  2. I can bring cupcakes.
    Oh, not material gifts?
    Hmmm....I can bring some metaphorical cupcakes...