Confessions of a Congressman: Gay Rights

When it comes to Gay Rights, one thing is certain: it is an oxymoron. Obviously, the reason why we are even debating the issue signifies that an evil shroud has blinded our pure American vision with technicolor obscurity. As a representative of a pure America, I stand straight to proclaim that we must fight their alluring giggles and valley girl rhetoric so that they do not lure us into establishing their Gay Agenda (or what they like to call "rights").

In fact this issue is even more devastating than previously thought. When I did some more research on the Internet (which is super-modernized plumbing) more skeletons jumped out of the closet. According to a reliable Internet source, during the Cold War, the Soviets were experimenting with "Fringe" sciences in order to get ahead of the United State's far superior technology. One of the Fringe sciences was genetic modification and one gene they were trying to perfect was homosexuality. Once the Soviet Union started to crumble, the number of hard-core Soviets decreased and the number of homosexuals "coming out" increased. Obviously, these Soviets bent and became gays; gays on a mission to tear apart the fabric of American society. These gay communists have been using this same Cold War technology to "encourage the coming out" of more gays.
Ladies and gentlemen, our greatest fear has become reality: gay communists with leftist agendas. We must stop this pink menace from infecting us all. And remember, as our covenant with God reminds us, "rainbows are God's way of frowning at gays".
-Congressman of the Imperial Senate